There’s a lot of stupid lingerie out there, but they’re mostly restricted to the catwalk. A model comes out in panties shaped like giant frowny lips, with a bra made entirely out of sad eyes, everybody laughs and gushes over how creative it is, and that’s that. But no one truly cares, since you can’t actually buy these abominations.
Well, have no fear; there IS a market for lingerie that evokes more shrieks of laughter than pure lust. But you have to dig deep to find it, which is where we come in. This is your one-stop shopping spree for unsexy underwear, equally designed with man, woman, and beast in mind.
4. Ladies’ Lingerie Blazer
Let’s start with the ladies. Business wear can be absurdly sexy on a girl, provided it’s done right. When it’s done wrong however, we get this.
It’s almost genius in its simplicity: take a suit, cut it in half, and replace the top half with a skimpy black teddy. But the execution has revealed the idea’s latent insanity. For one thing, that suit is horrid. When you think of sexy formal wear, it’s usually sleek and stylish. What we have here, however, is something you would buy for $40 at a flea market, on the way to a job interview you forgot you had until you woke up late that morning. The frumpy old guy at work who nobody talks to has a better suit than that.
That’s bad enough, but then you have the arms. Oh lord, why are there ARMS? And why only the lower half? No wonder the model isn’t smiling; she looks like some poor guy who got eviscerated from the pecs up by a sword-swinging madman. In fact, we can’t see her eyes because she’s likely shooting death beams of hate at the jackass who stuck her in that thing. We know we would.
If you wish to buy it, it’ll cost you 525 British pounds, or $701.50. But act now, and you can get it 50% off. Great, because you’ll need that extra $350 for booze, to wash away the pain of having bought this thing at any price whatsoever.
3. Anything That Makes A Penis Not A Penis
And now for the guys. If you dress him up in any of these, you don’t deserve him. If he dresses himself up in any of these, he doesn’t deserve anybody. Everyone clear on that?
We had no idea how far this whole “make a penis look like something else” thing went until we stumbled upon this site. For anywhere from $17-49, your penis can magically anything you see above, in case have a penguin fetish or something.
Because real-life penis disguises weren’t silly enough, they had to go and create their own. This is the Wobbler, a condom with googly eyes and a drawstring that says “I love you” when pulled. If your childhood Speak ‘n Spell created a quivering in your young loins, the Wobbler should provide hours of titillating entertainment.
Some of these designs make sense, albeit in the same moronic way disguising yourself as a vicious coyote is a sensible way to protect yourself from being eaten by a lion. But a pig? A wolf? Santa? Did the designers just spend 30 seconds thinking of things they liked, and then made man panties out of all of them? Oddly enough, for a bunch of people tasked with making sexy underwear, not one of them brainstormed “sexy underwear.”
Look, the penis is silly enough on its own; it’s your job, as his partner, to take that silly-looking flop of flesh and turn it into something more, well, useful. Your job becomes harder if you spend all night giggling at his undies. And the harder your job is, the softer he becomes. Such a shame; few things are less sexy than a sad elephant.
2. Full-Body Nude Suit
Remember that scene in The Naked Gun where Drebin and his lady don full-body condoms before doing the big nasty? If that scene gets your blood pumping and your heart racing, then you probably need to get out more. But not before paying 20 British Pounds ($31.26) for a couple full-body nude suits that accentuate nothing and could easily suffocate you if you aren’t careful. Turned on yet? God, we hope not.
Everything that would make these suits more than just giant flesh-colored sacks are optional, meaning you have to pay more money for finger, toes, and zippers, not to mention holes that help you breathe. Also, one of those optional zippers is for the crotch, which should really be part of the default package. The whole point is to be sexy, so why make easy removal of your partner’s naughty bits a mere “sometimes” thing?
But the costume isn’t the creepiest part of this story, unsexy and unnerving it may be. No, THAT award goes to the website advertising these things in kid’s sizes. Multiple kids’ sizes by the way. Thank God, because discrimination is always wrong. Fat kids need to be exploited and made to look like featureless sex objects just as much as skinny kids do. We’re glad at least one company recognizes this.
1. Doggie Lingerie
Earlier we mentioned beasts. Well, we weren’t lying for the sake of a slightly increased word count. Nope, there are entire lines of lingerie for your beloved poochie. As in more than one; multiple people make money off of undeserving pet owners who actually feel their dogs should look desirable.
They want quite a bit of money too: Bitch New York (GEDDIT?) wants $96 for a lace/stockings combo; luckily, Lola Canine Couture charges a comparatively-low $39. If you’re OK with your dog thinking you’re a damn cheapskate, in addition to being batcrap insane, then Lola is probably the better choice.
Clearly, something psychological is going on here. Chances are, somebody got a few big slobbery dog tongues down their throat during puberty, and have never come to terms with how it made them feel. So, as a coping mechanism, they stick their own pups in something they might someday get to see on a human woman, once the therapy finally kicks in.
Honestly, if you feel you must turn your pet into a sexpot, don’t get a dog; get a cat. Why? Because a cat will take one look at what you’re planning to do, bare those claws something fierce, and tear both the lingerie and your face to utter shreds. While certainly painful, it would be the only therapy you’d ever need.
Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire. His Facebook is a rockin’ party, and his Twitter is the awesome afterparty. Tumblr is where he rides out the hangover, and archives anything he writes from anywhere.