Here on Defending The Dumb, we like to tackle those stories that everybody else seems to universally spit on. Did ANYBODY say good things about the Olympics dropping wrestling from their roster? Hell no, except for us. Because we are the only people to find goodness in everyone and everything, no matter how much we have to dig, stretch, and concoct to do so.
So, of course, we were thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman met with Kim Jong-Un, and worked tirelessly with him to help avert war and save the world. Naturally, he’s getting a ton of flak for this, and it seems nobody’s taking his side, save for the voices in his own head. You’ve even got some talking heads complaining that his visit makes things worse, since now we’re going to picture North Korea as a comedic little hamlet where Dennis Rodman likes to go hang, ignoring all the human rights violations and destitute hut villages where countless citizens literally DO hang.
Luckily, we’re here to stick up for the Hall Of Fame millionaire that marries himself, and the ruthless dictator who hordes all the nation’s wealth for himself. You know, the little guy.
For starters, you need to understand that Rodman transmogrifying into Supreme Peacemaker happened by accident; it’s not like he just up and decided to do something ricockulous, simply so people would pay attention to him for the first time in fifteen years. No, he was simply touring with the Harlem Globetrotters, on a quest to teach basketball to little North Korean children. He would’ve gone with the Washington Generals, but then the kids would grow up thinking the only way to play basketball is to be horrible and lose, and then they would be sad. And in the Land Of Rainbows that is North Korea, sadness is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
As you can see, Rodman was simply there to provide the citizens with an escape! Not a real escape mind you; providing the desperate millions with a secret Underground Tunnel that would discreetly send them to the closest non-dictatorial country would take a lot of time and effort, and they need that time to practice their cartwheel alley-oops. A silly little basketball escape for two hours or so was more than enough happy time, anyhow. Back to work!
Along the way, Rodman made a friend, who just happened to be the guy in charge of that oppressive Communist regime where everyone who is not a major politician is likely suffering horribly and slowly starving to death. For most people, such a meeting might be awkward, but not Rodman. After hanging with Hulk Hogan, Madonna, Heidi Fleiss, and Donald Trump, Jong-Un probably seemed downright normal.
Naturally, they bonded over basketball. As it turns out, Kim Jong-Un loves the game, as does all of North Korea. How lucky they are to enjoy everything their leader does; it’s like they’re made for each other! It’s pure coincidence that they would immediately be slaughtered in front of their own children if they dared NOT enjoy a festive game of hoops.
So, as we’ve more than proven, this meeting was just a happy accident. But it might turn out to save the world and, if it does, won’t you feel like a right knob for damning it as a mere blatant publicity stunt that makes America looks like a bunch of tools, gives North Korea yet another opportunity to spread lies and propaganda, and actively makes the North Koreans’ situation worse? Of course you would.
Rodman likes basketball, obviously. So does Jong-Un. But guess what? So does Obama! Rodman has come right out and declared that basketball is the perfect icebreaker for those two, when it comes to discussions on how to end nuclear threats and put a stop to a that has technically been waging since 1950. And The Worm’s got an ironclad point here. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that basketball can settle every conflict we’ve ever had, whether it be love, murder, alien invasions, or anything in between. So why not use it to avert total war as well?
And talk about a contest for the ages; two men who never lose, laying it all out on the court, winner take all the nukes. Because for a short and stocky dude, Jong-Un is unstoppable against the boards. None of the depressed, malnourished, and petrified citizens that his guards chuck into the gymnasium and force at gunpoint to play stand a chance. And Obama? He’s pretty much unbeaten against all his slow, skinny, middle-aged friends, not to mention random White House staff who know better than to dunk on their boss. This battle would be perfect for pay-per-view, better than if Rocky Marciano battled Bill Goldberg, and the second North Koreans are allowed to have VCR’s, maybe we can send them a copy.
OK, so Rodman’s clearly a linchpin for peace. But that’s not the only reason his trip turned out to be an awesome idea. See, Rodman didn’t just solve all the world’s problems simply by attending a basketball game sponsored by Hell On Earth. No, he discovered the True Value Of Friendship. And he didn’t even need Disney’s help to do it!
Honestly, what’s wrong with Rodman making a new friend? A friend for life, at that? Simply put, the two get each other, and need each other. You thought Jong-Un’s father, Kim Jong-Il, was the only ronery one in the family? And you thought that Rodman marrying Carmen Electra for a few months meant every supermodel on the planet wants to take a bath with him? Shockingly, no. Neither man is Mr. Popularity, with Rodman having long alienated his family, ex-wife, and basketball colleagues while sowing his youthful oats, and Jong-Un just plain murdering anyone who looks at him for too long.
As long as Rodman keeps his glare elsewhere, this lifetime bromance should continue unabated. And as soon as Obama reads this article (anyone in the know, feel free to forward it to him,) he’ll realize how important the whole basketball thing truly is, travel to North Korea, slap on some shorts, and work that hoops magic. If he does, then the world is safe, and Dennis Rodman becomes the new Prince Of Peace. If he doesn’t, well…
Just don’t blame Rodman. He tried.
Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire. His Facebook is a rockin’ party, and his Twitter is the awesome afterparty. Tumblr is where he rides out the hangover, and archives anything he writes from anywhere.